22.12.2024
Hey.. this is my new website! I made for... who knows why!
It feels kinda emo and dare i say cringe to make ur own website, (cause i need to be so cool and different) but i think that's kinda what the world needs.
No my website definitely won't change the world, and idc i don't want it to.
I just kinda feel like our society needs stuff like this
Anyways..
(u see what i did there, im learning quick ;) )
Idk what i'm gonna be doing on here, but i probably wana use it as some sort of diary
we will see how that goes
well i hope this is not the last time editing this website.
good luck me!
something about writting on a html website makes me feel so like, a ghost of the web or soemthing.
that's weird.
Here is a lil piccie
26.12.2024
So... unexpected but i actually am updating this site.
Few days back and today too, i visited my childhood home with my sister and.. it was something.
I live with my grandma now and it's been about 10-ish years that i don't live in that home. The house is complete wreck (my mom is somewhere idk where and my dad only spends the night there sometimes) so it's unkept. Rot is everywhere it stinks of old, it's disgusting basically. No elektricity, no water and stuff.
Anyways, funnily enough. Not much changed after all those years. So it's almost exactly like we left it, and that's crazy to me.
I wanted to take some photos (kinda made it a work of mine). I want to add a lil poem too but i am not doing it rn so that's gonna be a later addition.
Btw, this is rll personal and this being the second post is kinda wild, but
first of all: no one gona see this probably
second of all: u gotta start with bangggg
So.. enjoy.
now just gotta code the gallery.. that's gonna be so annoying
here is the link
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03.01.2025
Hello,
new year, new me as they say...
I was waiting for something to post but nothing really came up, so i guess this is the diary part of this stuff i talked about.
And that's somehow scarier than i thought. I'm usually good with words and expressing my feelings to my diary, and my close friends i love. But to the world? That's so scary.
I was doing stuff since i was little, creative i mean. But i never really shared it or myself to anyone. It's scary. It's always scary, it never wasn't. Like since i was born... That's funny.
Well anyways. I know i have to open up more, to the world. I want to. But i don't know what that means.
I can do so many stuff. But i'm scared it will fail, no one will like it...
Yuh, i know i should just try... And if it sticks it sticks, but how do i learn not to do stuff for others but for myself? When the whole thing is about trying to help other people.
What does it mean to help other people? Being available or helping by showing as an example? Who am i to lead by an example?
Is it human to try to lead by example? What makes a person an good example?
Is it the things they lived through, how they reacted, and how it shaped them? How can i tell if i'm going through a psychosis...
Well whatever, i'm thinking about starting a Minecraft channel. Build and yap probably. Or literally just yap channel.
It could be fun.. Idk if it isn't to late for that though..
BTW. I didn't sign up for college.. well, i mean my "dream" school. It's art stuff college and i just feel like i'm not ready.
Not in "omg i can't do it, i'm so bad" way. More like " i just feel i'm not developed enough rn". idk.
I want to sign up for different school but which one? So i have to figure that out.
So yuhh, that's the third post
byee
btw idk why but the text underneath the photos of my old home moved to the side??... Idk how that happend cause i didn't touch the code
11.01.25
What i've been writing in my notebook lately
~0~
Is my artistic body able to live?
idk, at all
Do i need to trip
Get out of my head?
Ur worst enemy is urself posed as question
What does that mean?
Should i concentrate on my dreams and career and leave everyone and everything behind?
Should i just live for anyone but myself?
To be selfish or not to be
Is there a balance? It doesn't seem to be
Do i wanna live as somebody or not?
I don't like this feeling
I feel like my friends are to focused on their dreams and are leaving me
Should i too?
I don't think so.. that's not for me
Abandoning somebody
I just wanna live an connect with somebody
I wanna enjoy the simple joys of live
But what does that really mean?
It's kinda perverted to live life to the fullest, only wanting the ecstasy.
I don't really care about anything else
Am i selfish for wanting to live the life for the fullest?
If it means pursuing my dreams and my career, in spite of others?
Do i even really have any dreams?
~0~
Is there space for me?
~0~
I love my lovely friends
But lately they seem to have thorns all over themselves
When i'm trying to reach out, cause i need help, my skin is just pierced and torn again
I know its not on them, but i really should keep my hand to myself
They are so bloody after all, can let droplet drop on anybody, that's just mean
I guess it's nothing new, but i'm really all out of clues
At this point, i don't even wanna know why this always happens
All i know is that i need to keep myself to myself
At least till i won't need help.
I really don't want to hold on to anybody, when there isn't more space for me
Gotta help myself, again
~0~
Little emo but real. anyways i should write more of prose-poetry. I think that could be fun.
But now, i need to look after myself.
Here is a playlist for the month, or more like for this season of my life. heh..
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i fuckin love vacillator by ethel
16.02.25
life has picked me up by my balls and draged me through shit again so i was just like too drained and honestly just sad and with out passion or energy to do anything. And i still am but like i managed to update this site after like a month... soo
Anyways, i've been changing shit for few days already. Yesterday i coded another part of this site showcasing some photos i did. I think they look awesome. And i'm probablly gona add a change log soon. Cause it's hard for me to change shit cause of nostalgia. I managed to figure out how boxes work and i would love to update the main site. But i already feel nostalgic towards it lmao. What can i say, i have prominent cancer placement in my chart.
Anyways im gonna try to document it.
To the "blog" part of this update. (i still don't really know if u can count this as a blog but yeah, more like an rant)
I FEEL SO SHIT. god.. Like if yall read the last update about those friends. We don't talk anymore lmaoo. Me and they agreed on taking a "break".
But guess what? ITS NOT REALLY A BREAK ANYMORE, MORE LIKE BREAKUP LMAOO. And it sucks balls so bad cause they were my bestest friends. But looking bad.. they were kinda shit to me. It's kinda difficult to explain. But basically, i was too much cause they weren't giving me enough. And bitch, why i am the bad one now? Like they stoped talking to me and now they are together more than they ever were, and probably shit talk me like a lot. (Can't really tell but i can guess so from what i'm seeing.) And i'm losing all my friends not beacause i did something to them. But cause i'm kinda getting cut off from them indirectlly. Like i can't really go to the hangout IF MY OLD FRINEDS ARE THERE. uGH i just hate it so muchhhh.
It's such a stupid beef too like, can we get over it??? I'm trying my hardest to just move on but they make it so hard. idk idk idk idk.
I'm so over it and i'm so over them i just want this shit to be over. They like post on Instagram more than ever before from all the trips and hangsout they are having and it hurts. Cause i still love them but i know i can't go back to them cause they are not good to me. And it's just this painful reminder of the reality and it's just. UGhhh.
People and their silly heartbreaks, am i right..
And i'm so tired of life cause it just keeps throwing me in these painful and difficult situations. Without ever really giving me break or just leting me be on top of my shit for once. Every time i have to get through it, i have to alchemise the pain and accept it to move on.
The worst part is that every time this shit like this happens, i lose more of my like idk what to call it.. ig spark? Like i just don't have the energy to create, not even for myself. And i'm glad i went through that shit, it gave me so much. But i lost so much too..
I'm just scared of my future cause i'm graduting in few months and i'm not doing jackshit. But like i'm not backing down, don't get me wrong. I have the will to survive this shit but i don't have the energy to live. And that shit is scary. Cause that's been my whole life and i've been doing SOO much better. But i still am not "winning". I'm still behind in life. I'm just not on top of my shit and i so badly want to be.
I have no idea what could help me rn. Ig i just gotta push through, again ig...
Well, anyways. That draged out. So i'm just honestly trying to find a new "home" for myself. This is the first time in my life that i'm not codependet on anybody else. I kinda like it, i don't hate it. It just feels really lonely cause i lost my best friends. And kinda the whole friend group...
I'm still not sure about that whole thing cause last week we went out with some of those friends from the friend group and it was lit. I felt great, we had fun as always. But at the end we were talking about a friday hangout with two oh them. And i just kinda said "well, i dont know if i'm really invited.." and they were like "yeah.. "she" is gonna be there. Well i hope yall gonna figure it out cause ur adults, no?" "yeah, like that's between yall" and i was like yeah i know. It just felt really weird. Like i knew they ment well but i kinda wish they adedd something like "but i would love it if you were there."
So im not really sure what were on and i don't even know what my old "best" friends said about me so like. IDFK. Well ig i'm gonna know tomorow cause schools starts again! I so don't wana gooo.
FUN PART!
albums that i got on repeat while i struglled through this shit:
1. Melodrama - lorde (those who know)
2. Tidal - Fiona apple (saved me fr)
3. True Romance - Charlie (ugh so good)
4. Eternal Sunshine - Arigato grande (Actully love it)
5. Powders - eartheater (loovee ittt)
Honorable mention: Ethel Cains music mainly the new album
Whats more twink than these albums honestly but whatever.
One thing i keep thinking about is just making music. But its just hard to get in to it. First of all, i got fucked up voice. Like i love to sing but my vocals are just crazy. Second of all i can't learn the godforsaken daws. idk, but i have few song ideas. About my lovely friends i don't talk too anymore.. So maybe i'm finally gonna cook up something.
Last thing, i'm thinking about coding a guestbook so if somebody is actully reading this, they can comment something if they want. Calling me desperate or actully just, idk, write something positive. Or maybe i'm just gonna leak my dis. idk idk idk.
Anyways, see u soon. If i'm not gonna lose it.
here is the link for the pictures
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CHANGELOG! WORK IN PROGRESS!
16.02.2025
-changed the colour of the between post flower to white
-added favicon
-added box to the main page
-16.2.2025 blog update
-added Hard times page
-added cool sites i like
-added go back up button
ribose- love the site (fucked up the buttonn cant find a way to fix it lmao)
HOUDINI magazine- pretty cool (no button though ):)
~♡~